So, a little google-fu fixed my eyebrow issues. Turns out I had more than ten times as many hair particles as a human has for realsies. Trim down the number, increase the length, fiddle with the brushes a bit, et viola! I also fiddled with the hair shader a bit.
Not sure why the goatee and the eyebrows look so different as they have the same material on them, but it's just that kind of day I guess.
